Текст бизнес-книги "Sex Tips for Straight Women From a Gay Man"

Автор книги: Dan Anderson

Раздел: Личностный рост, Книги по психологии

SEX TIPS for STRAIGHT WOMEN from a GAY MAN
DAN ANDERSON and MAGGIE BERMAN

This book is dedicated to all men and women, because boyfriends may come and go, but best friends are forever

Preface

You probably heard about sex long before your folks ever got around to explaining the facts of life. If you were a boy, you quickly learned that you possessed some anatomical equipment that could make you feel pretty good in addition to its use for making babies. As a girl, the pleasures of your anatomy were probably a little less obvious. But whether you shared a room with your brother or went to nudist colonies on family vacations, you knew that what boys had was really different and, somehow, sublimely intriguing. Lest you think that this is a lead-in to a classic Freudian scenario, we want to set the record straight. In the eloquent words of one wise father whose young daughter burst into the bathroom while he was showering and said, “Daddy, I want one of those”: “Emily, if you have one of those,” he said, pointing back, “you can always get one of these.”

So with the myth of penis envy dispelled, the problem, if you were a girl, was that you learned how all those parts functioned from your parents or from the oh-so-carefully-worded books they gave you, or maybe from watching sequences on Wild Kingdom. Still, the mating hippopotami on television conveyed little information beyond the mechanics of the “doggie style” position. The female hippopotamus appeared, shall we say, as though she couldn’t care less. And why not? She seemed to be functioning as a willing, passive receptacle without a care in the world, much less wondering if he was thinking, “Gee, this is really one hot hippo mama.”

Without disparaging the joys of the animal kingdom, we human beings are blessed with the additional consciousness of the physiological and emotional pleasures associated with sex. Moreover, we are taught from an early age to excel at whatever we do. But again, girls are faced with a classic dilemma. Sure, they can “use what they’ve got to get what they want,” but without full-time possession of all the tools, girls face an obvious disadvantage in having to hone their skills on temporary loan equipment. And remember, practice makes perfect.

So where does a woman go to learn more about sex? When you are younger, the only really down-and-dirty talks you could have about sex were with your girlfriends, and best girlfriends at that! Remember those pajama parties where everyone made a fist and practiced kissing their hands? How about putting on lipstick and kissing the mirror to determine what was just the right amount your lips should be parted for a kiss? How about a kiss kiss? And what about the once-dreaded but later sought-after French kiss? Okay, you say, that’s kid stuff, what about when girls get older? We offer as Exhibit A any Thursday night in the cramped cubicle of a sorority house or women’s dorm. The conversation revolves around who did or didn’t “go all the way,”[1]1
  The phrase going all the way was a polite way of describing sexual intercourse prior to the 1960s. Post-1960s vernacular would, undoubtedly, use the more descriptive but less metaphoric term to get laid or to hook up.


[Закрыть] what some jerky guy tried to do or maybe, just maybe, the virtues of vibrators for taking the edge off all that exam-cramming. These talks are a great way to compare notes but not one girlfriend could really tell you what was going on in the guy’s head, or any other part of his body, for that matter.

When you were a bit older, maybe you had a boyfriend or husband who would string together a couple of choice words like “Wow, that was great!” But such nondescript utterances offered few clues about what you actually did that was so great. Obviously, both men and women know that it is poor bedroom etiquette to point out the faults of one’s partner. So how does a woman know what was great? How does she know if be liked it because of what she specifically did or because he’s a satisfied and contented good sport? Ask any woman who has ever said to a guy, “Do you like it like this or do you like it like that?” and the answer most probably was. “I like whatever you do.” Men are gracious and, furthermore, they know well enough not to let the screen door hit them on the way out.

So women don’t have the equipment to practice what feels good on themselves. Even those fortunate enough to have had a boy toy, a lover, or a husband cannot really count on getting an honest report card or performance evaluation. Women know that they are usually not going to find out anything real from their partners if that partner happens to be a man. So what’s a woman to do? The only truly accurate way to learn the sexual tricks of the trade, or what makes a guy really moan, is to go straight to the source: a man. This man needs to be someone special, who not only knows his own preferences but who has had the opportunity to know the preferences of a number of other guys. Who better than an honest-to-goodness gay man? He knows things most straight guys don’t even know about themselves.

This handy little book is not written as a clinical manual, and it’s not primarily designed to help a woman snare a guy. It does offer inside tips that only an expert would know. And it certainly makes no guarantees that if you learn the tips you’ll be the most popular woman this side of Bangkok. Rather, Sex Tips is like a good coach for the sport or our choice. It gives women the inside track, direct from the source, on how to do what you already do, only better. And, along the way, it mentions some other things that make guys feel really great. Most important, it describes in detail how to do them. As with any exercise program, we recommend a thorough checkup with your physician before beginning. Do what’s right for you, what’s right for your partner, and feel free to pass on anything you choose.

If you’re a youthful novice or a thrice-married veteran, you probably want to be terrific at one of life’s most pleasurable activities. Whether it’s with your boyfriend, your husband or the pizza delivery boy, Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man can only make it better. And if you’re lucky enough to have it great already, think of all the fun you’ll have practicing.

Introduction

The idea for this hook arose several years ago during a series of conversations between Danny and Maggie, who have been best friends for many years. Early on in our relationship we established a pattern of close talks over vodka gimlets at our favorite neighborhood bar. We talked about work, we talked about haircuts, we talked about clothes, but usually after the third gimlet, we talked about men—how to find them and how to keep them. If one of us went out on a date, we talked about the guy and what we did, but we never really talked about sex. “Did you get lucky?” was hardly a question we needed to ask, because if one of us did, we were probably on the telephone at three in the morning telling the other about it. We were like any other two best friends except Danny was a gay man and Maggie was a straight woman.

When Maggie began dating a man who bought, but was too chicken to wear, a bright yellow Versace jacket, and had silver service for twelve and several Bruce Weber photographs on his wall, we suspected he was gay. Only then did our cocktail conversations turn to sex. It wasn’t that this guy kept turning her over and poking her in the rear. It was something less definite. “What does he like?” Danny asked. “What did he do? What did you do?” Whatever it was, there was something missing, and Maggie couldn’t quite put her finger on it. She was feeling insecure because if this guy really was gay, then she felt she had no chance of making him happy in bed. Why? Because somehow Maggie knew that there must be something really special about gay sex because all these guys were doing it. It’s not that he wasn’t trying hard, it’s just that he wasn’t getting hard. It was like trying to stuff a marsh-mallow into a keyhole. She also knew that the idea of donning a pink bustier, edible undies and strawberry massage oil wouldn’t cut it. It wasn’t her style. “What can I do?” she finally asked in desperation.

Although she was conducting business as usual, the standard sex scenario wasn’t working. The breakthough came one day after work, after a particularly exasperating night before, when Danny finally asked, “What exactly did you do?” So Maggie got down on the floor, assumed a position, and pantomimed the act as best she could considering that she was wearing a fabulous new Armani pantsuit. Danny was quick to offer advice based on his years of dating in the gay world. While the bustier and massage oil were good for a fleeting moment or a passing giggle, Danny knew that what Maggie needed was some expert technical assistance. It was time to learn a few inside tips.

In good weather, we would meet in the park for brown-bag lunchtime lessons. We could sit for hours after work in our favorite city park discussing dates, designers and dicks.

Cocktail conversations took on a new vigor and enthusiasm. What’s more, all of our other girlfriends wanted to know, too. Women of all ages, places and walks of life demanded to be let in on the action. The numerous requests for demonstrations and assistance by phone mounted quickly, and were far more than we could handle. And while Danny was eager to share the wealth with women everywhere, it was getting out of hand. Women whom he had never even met, and friends of friends, were calling him at work and asking him to explain “the pearl necklace.” They would report back on their successes. “Danny is all that and a bag of chips,” said one satisfied girlfriend.

Sure enough, the aforementioned man with the yellow Versace went on to a healthy long-term relationship with a guy named Greg. Maggie went on to employ her newfound tips and became very popular. The key thing to remember is that it’s not the act itself that makes an Oscar-winning performance. Sex is like good conversation: Anyone can talk, but there are some people who just have a winning way with words. It’s not what you say, but how you say it. And who among us couldn’t benefit from a few elocution lessons?

We remember one Super Bowl party consisting of two couples and us. The husbands went on a beer run while we stayed behind sipping margaritas with the wives. No sooner had the car started when one of the women commented that sex had changed since the kids arrived. Maggie responded by saying how vastly improved her sex life was since she took up Danny’s tips. Out came a curiously anatomically correct flashlight and a simple hand job demonstration that lit up their world. Stroking to the rhythm of Peggy Lee’s “Fever,” we soon had four flashlights and were all practicing in sync. “Oooh, what else do you know? Tell me, Danny.” “Well, did you ever try squeezing his nipples?” he asked. The wives looked at each other with a vacant, almost guilty stare. And then they turned to Danny and said, “You mean men have feeling in their nipples, too?” Case closed.

It seemed as though the women all agreed on one thing. The early sizzle, when men were so eager to show off their sexual prowess, was long past. Women are taught to let men take the lead, which is fine. But as we all know, men, and their penises, have limited attention spans and need constant entertainment. Sure, men have sporadic flashes of genius. But for the most part, sex could be reduced to kiss, touch, kiss, touch, kiss, pounce … “That was great for me, was it great for you?” The familiarity of lying side by side with a couple of smooches and caresses is fine, but a little variation to perk up Mr. Stiffy is always a welcome change.

Everybody knows the basics. Taking up these techniques while you’re dating will surely lead to a quick proposal of marriage. Introducing these tips if you’re married or in a long-term relationship will, undoubtedly, lead your partner to suspect you’ve been getting special coaching on the side. Tell him that you have. Tell him whatever you want. But think of this book as your personal trainer, at a fraction of the cost, and you don’t even have to leave your house.

“CAN I SEE YOUR TAN LINES?”

We offer this simple line because a question as innocuous as this can get the ball rolling. When the opportunity to have sex presents itself, men don’t need cryptic, convoluted messages or fancy engraved invitations. On the other hand, they don’t want to be trampled like they’re in a subway at rush hour. So not-so-subtle is the key. Let’s face it. Most women just don’t seem comfortable taking the suggestion of Marabelle Morgan and greeting their partners at the door wrapped in plastic. Besides feeling like an idiot, you might end up looking like the last bologna sandwich left on the counter of the 7-Eleven that no one wants to buy. Too subtle, like cooking a gourmet dinner at home, will only make him feel full and much too guilty about wanting to jump your bones after you’ve worked so hard. The way to a man’s heart might be through his stomach, but in this case you’re shooting for parts a bit lower. Gay men are masters at coming up with simple lines to get guys to shed their clothes. Besides the tan-lines line, other tried and true lines you might use are:

To your banker boyfriend: “Wow, you’ve been working out. Make a muscle.”

To your hippie English professor: “Do you really have a peace sign tattooed on your thigh?”

To your buttoned-down accountant: “Wait a second … let me get that thread off your pants.”

To your doctor: “Would you mind taking a look at this bite for a second?”

To your new friend at the bar: “I have to go. Will you walk me home? Can you drop me off?”

To the delivery guy: “Just a minute, my handbag’s in the bedroom.”

To the male model you met at a film screening: Just forget it!

The variations are endless. Most men are bright enough to take the cue. All you have to do is come up with a line that works for you, and then …

JUST GRAB IT

We’ve had numerous conversations about when you’ve gotten the guy into striking distance but are unsure about what to do next. Sure, you can look up into his eyes with a sexy come-hither glance. You can throw your arms around his neck and deliver a deep, wet kiss. Or you can slowly and seductively massage the knots out of his neck or back. These might work, but in the end, there is only one method that is absolutely fail-safe. Take a deep breath, emit a slow, audible exhale, look into his eyes and just grab it.

You’re probably saying to yourself that he’ll think you’re a slut. Well, for a second, maybe. But rest assured that any bad thoughts will be quickly dispelled by the novelty of your taking the lead and by your awesome performance. This will make him happy. A little ladylike initiative can go a long way. Just Grab It is more than a piece of advice. It’s a way of life.

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Dos and Don’ts

Before we get into the actual tips, there are some preliminary things you should know. Gay men look at every sexual encounter as a once-in-a-lifetime performance. While women get gold stars for having food in the fridge for the next morning, gay men know that their partners may not hang around that long. They want everything to be perfect and do their best to design the most fabulous experience ever—whether they expect to see that person again or not. So while some of these tips may seem obvious, they’re worth keeping in mind.

CLEAN UP YOUR ACT

A nice shower is always a good idea whether he smells like he just got back from the gym or not. In your old life it may not have mattered, because you were the wide receiver and he was the star quarterback. But now that your hands, mouth and, yes, your nose will be in places they might not have been before—and for a longer time, at that—you’ll want to be sure that he’s squeaky clean. We’re not saying that a natural manly scent isn’t a turn-on, but no one wants to stick their face into an old gym shoe. Hot and sweaty after sex is good, but before is another matter altogether.

If you’re out on a date, chances are that he took a shower before heading out. But if he just came upstairs from walking the dog or fixing your washing machine, you’ll feel a whole lot better if you’re not gagging from the smell of 3-in-1 oil or other unpleasant odors. Likewise for eliminating that ambient barroom smell of smoke and Scotch. The same thing goes for you. Those silver plastic pants you saw in Vogue may look hot, but they might leave you smelling like the beach after a nasty storm. We’re not saying you have to get crazy about this, but it does make things more pleasant.

Rumor has it that Cher, upon sighting a particularly sexy specimen, ordered, “Have him washed and brought to my tent.” She can probably get away with that, but unless you’re Claudia Schiffer or fabulously wealthy, do not, under any circumstances, suggest that he take a shower. This could make him feel momentarily undesirable or inferior to your royal pristineness. It is much better to say, “Hmm, looking at you like that makes me warm. I think I’ll cool off in the shower.” After that, look him in the eye and remove an article of clothing. He’ll be mesmerized—honest. As you walk toward the bathroom, he probably won’t need any coaxing to join you. If he’s really dense, don’t hesitate to offer a sincere invitation. If that doesn’t do the trick, just say that you feel the need to take a shower. Leave the bathroom door open a bit, get naked, get under the water, and beckon him to bring you more soap, a washcloth or your body lotion from the nightstand (see chapter 2). The rest is up to you.

And while we’re on the subject of you, there are a few other don’ts that women’s magazine sometimes overlook.

BAUBLES AND BEADS

Did you ever notice that gay men might admire your cool jewelry but they don’t wear much of it themselves? Maybe it’s true that men are dazzled by shiny, dangling earrings and fluffy hair accessories, but he really doesn’t want your tennis bracelet caught in his pubic hair, and neither do you, for that matter. Even the smallest diamond studs, whether they’re in your ears, nose or belly button, can do serious damage. Remember, if it can cut glass, it can cut skin. Ditto on the watch, rings and ankle bracelets.

There’s no doubt that sexy lingerie is a turn-on. It becomes a royal pain when those delicate pearl beads and crystal buttons get tangled and stuck in his chest hair, or leave a dent in his skin. Keep it simple. Chances are very good that you won’t be wearing it for long anyway.

DON’T GET NAILED

While men are fascinated by your fabulous French manicure, and look forward to a gentle back rub with your nails, no one wants to be fishing around in bed for a fake nail tip. If he finds a Vamp lacquered nail tip between the sheets the day after, he might freak out because he doesn’t know what it is, or worse, he might think you’re a total fake. Civilized gay men, and we’ve never known one who isn’t, are fastidious about clipped and filed nails. Keep your nails trim and smooth, because you never know where they might end up.

SCENTS AND SENSIBILITY

Women’s magazines are big on fragrance, but remember, they get paid big bucks to run those ads. Contrary to what the salesperson says, men do not equate a certain fragrance with fabulousness. It doesn’t make any difference anyway. If they can hardly remember your birthday, why would you expect them to remember your perfume? He may like your Windsong on his mind, but not on his sheets, shirts and sofa. A well-placed dab here and there is fine. Just don’t overdo it. Also on this subject, the world is now filled with pollutants and allergens to which few are totally immune. A sneezing fit when he leans forward to kiss you is a surefire way to kill the moment.

TIPS ON TEXTURE

Do wear suede, cashmere, silk and leather for their sensual feel or smell. Don’t wear scratchy wools, cheap stiff lace or things that make you sweat like a pig. Another word on texture: You may never suspect it, but your pubic hair can be just as irritating on his lips and chin as his beard can be on your face. Good sexual grooming tells us that the use of a simple, over-the-counter hair conditioner can prevent a bad case of brush burn.